Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
You Might Also Like
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?