me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Truth
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!