He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
You Might Also Like
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
wtf is a larm clock?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
こいつ天才
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.