Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
even bears disappoint their mothers
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.