Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
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[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
#SaturdayBears
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go