Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means