You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there