Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
#CoronaOutbreak
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”