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[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Sex so good you see dead people.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open