i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas