ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.