The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.