My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
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earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.