[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
there’s probably a fee though
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
A great tip. #CakeRex
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.