I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.