Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Sending in my taxes
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.