I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}