Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
You Might Also Like
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.