The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
#Caturday
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours