How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.