My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box