I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.