Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
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If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.