women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Bed should get ready for ME
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Basketball
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.