I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
You Might Also Like
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
i wish we could shoplift online
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I think they could have phrased this better
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*