“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
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cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
how much for the angry fruit?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.