Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show