[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
You Might Also Like
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.