If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
#ParentingFacts
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.