If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
The morning after pill, but for tweets