Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
He a real one for that
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.