You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity