I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.