[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.