me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.