there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
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It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince