Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
You Might Also Like
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Cardio Made Easy
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.