me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Sponch
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.