For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
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They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
moms in horror movies
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
So the ex texted me
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo