Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
You Might Also Like
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.