I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors