[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
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Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band