Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
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Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My life coach traded me.