me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
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to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
is this a threat
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
We need more people like this.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits