I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
opening twitter today
it was a valiant fight
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I identify as an antique shop.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.