Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”