Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”