Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You Might Also Like
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning