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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
This is enough internet for the day.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Ha
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”