I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.